Have you ever asked someone to do something and then realized that they would do it their way? And then you just figure, ok I’ll just do this myself because I don’t like how they are doing it?
I heard a preacher give a sermon. He mentioned that God will answer our prayers the way He sees fit. Actually I am paraphrasing. I don’t remember the exact words but it stirred in me a sense of, “Well I’ll just do it myself then!.”
I know; it sucks. I have a problem with authority, I guess. I feel like I’ve crossed my Rubicon.
Sometimes it seems easier to just walk away from it all. That’s the scary thing. I’m not sure what to do about that.
Well I’m still alive. It’s an odd thing. They allowed me back to school.
Life seems to raise all sorts of questions about God. I don’t know what to think.
My last post was a bit sour. I wrote about my dreams dying. Apparently it isn’t dead yet. Although on some levels I feel like it’s going through one of those dire situations. Where the doctor somberly tells the family that there is nothing more that can be done. We can only make your loved-one comfortable.
The cynicism and negativity, while not at all good for self-esteem and motivation to keep going, also has affected me spiritually. I’ve done things recently that I told myself I’d never do. I acknowledge my own spiritual weakness right now. I’d like to think that had I been in better shape, so to speak, I’d have been able to avoid temptation.
As it is, though, I have to live with who I am and what I have done. I read things in the Bible, but not with the same… I’m kind of at a loss for words… But not with the same fervor or faith. There’s skepticism where once there was hope.
It’s hard to believe something when circumstances argue against it. Years ago I probably would go on about why we have to have faith. Because we have to believe in something that isn’t really there.
Now I feel that there’s faith… and then there’s delusion. Do we hope when there’s no reason to hope?
It’s funny — in an odd sort of way. I don’t mind buying a lottery ticket and hoping for a jackpot even though the odds of winning it are staggering. And yet I have trouble hoping for certain things. Things from God. Like help.
And that leaves me in a weird sort of way. I’ve always grown up hearing and believing about how I should trust God. And now that I doubt, I’m left in this middle ground where I feel like I should, but I don’t think it will work.
Hmm… I don’t know if I have the words to express my feeling. I re-read my previous paragraph and it doesn’t sound right. Maybe it’s because the feelings don’t really make sense. I want to hope. And I think I still do hope. But I don’t want to. And I don’t think I do either.
It’s like there’s two different people…
But the internal struggle, I suppose, is good. At least I know I’m alive.
What do you do when your dreams die? I guess it’s one thing when your dreams are your own — when nothing influenced you to pursue them. But what happens when you feel that you were led to your dreams by God? And suddenly, it is impossible to realize them?
I feel like my dream has died. It’s a dream I have been working towards for the past four to six years. That’s a whole lot of time and energy invested in it.
The goal was to become a doctor. And I believed that God had it in His plans for me to go this way. Actually, faith had a huge influence in my choosing of this path. I felt that this would be a path through which I could really touch others for God. I dreamt of going overseas to work with the sick. I imagined myself walking the the white halls of a large medical center talking, touching, poking, prodding, and teaching.
Had it not been for this belief, I probably would have gone into law or business, or even engineering. Something else. But I believed this was what God wanted for me. And I guess I wanted it too.
I heard the encouraging remarks along the way. God will equip you for what He has planned. I even looked back over my journey and thought, “How did I get this far, if not for God’s blessing?”
But I received my grades and discovered that had failed an exam I needed to pass. A psychopathology course. It’s ironic that the specialty that I considered was the one that got me.
And when my dream died I wondered, “Really? Does God really give us what we need?” Or I must’ve heard Him wrong all along. Because my dream has died due to my own ineptitude — something I thought God should’ve helped me overcome if this was what He wanted me to do.
It’s not like I didn’t ask. I did ask. I asked for God’s blessing on the path I was on. I asked for strength, for wisdom, and successful days (meaning that I accomplished what I needed to accomplish each day). And I asked a lot. Almost twice, daily.
To have failed in this endeavor is painful. I feel like someone close to me has died. Like I have died. Well, maybe, just the me-that-would-have been has died.
R.I.P. El Medico Eduardo
It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything on this “virtual journal” of mine. It hasn’t been for a lack of desire. Nor has it been because I have figured out my spiritual issues and no longer needed a forum to express myself. I wish that were the case.
It’s just that life gets in the way. Life has been hectic and busy.
Putting thoughts down into words has a way of helping to organize thoughts. And I miss it. I wish I could do it more.
But what do you do when life just gets in the way?
I often hear, about being a Christian, something to this effect: God didn’t promise everything would be easy, God promised He’d take us through it. I’ve heard many people complain that once they gave their hearts to Christ/God, then things get rough. They go through hard times. It’s as if the devil is working overtime on them.
Is that some sort of cop-out? I mean living in a world full of sin just plain sucks. I realize that. So I understand there will be heartache, sorrow, etc. But everyone goes through that whether or not they believe in the Divine or not.
Do Christians go through life with more pressure because we supposedly know more about how the universe is?
And one of the things that bug me are the so-called “promises” of God found in the Bible. I’ve seen those little booklets filled with “God’s promises” listing all sorts of verses for different occasions or difficulties.
So what about the “promises” God made to His people about wealth and prosperity? I know those would definitely make many aspects of life a whole lot easier. Am I advocating a prosperity gospel like some evangelists on TV? I hope not. I have no idea what they’re all about, but something there is fishy to me.
But in Deuteronomy (28), God promises to bless His people so long as they remain faithful to Him. If one reads the chapter carefully, this promise extends not only to the Israelites in the audience, but every single person. Some of these blessings include financial blessings.. to the point where one will not need to borrow money, but instead one will lend money to others.
In Malachi, God challenges his people to bring the tithes into the storehouses and “see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it” (NIV).
Now, I suppose one might say that the blessings of Malachi do not specify a financial blessing. But c’mon! What is it talking about? An emotional blessing?? I’m sorry, but what the heck is an emotional blessing gonna do for me if I’m struggling financially?
Am I fruitlessly picking at little portions of the Bible? I don’t think so. I thought that as a Christian, I ought to take the whole Word in it’s entirety. After all, Christianity’s image of God comes from the Bible. We can’t just pick and choose which parts we want. So should I get a butt-load of money, I know I am responsible to spend it wisely. The New Testament is filled with examples of how we ought to help those with less. Take care of the homeless, the widows, the orphans.
But to me, it seems like most people forget about these “promises.”
Does God keep all of His promises? If not, then that’s not a very good example…